Elmer

Beagle Bailey has been getting all the attention on this blog and I think it is time to introduce Elmer.  Elmer is an 11 year old cat.  She's a she and a small cat.  Yes, Elmer is a female.  My son named her when he was 3.  Elmer single handed, or should that be single pawed, potty trained my boy.  I would make a big deal out of the kitten using her potty (the litter pan) and he just couldn't be outdone by a silly cat so he started using his potty to show her what was what.  Elmer is a former barn cat. She came from a farm where the kittens were handled by the kids on the farm practically from birth.  She's a beautiful gray and white and has a sweet disposition....that is as long as she isn't too grumpy over something we've done to her that she didn't like. Then she plots how to murder us in our sleep.

Elmer has been my good friend for 11 years and though we've had our squabbles, she and I are pals. Not so much with the kids.  The secret to a good relationship with a cat is to be able to read it properly and they had trouble with this.   It can't really talk to you so the way it will let you know you are over stepping bounds is to swat you. But, if you watch carefully, the cat will tell you it's had enough with it's body language. Maybe the ears go back, it's eyes might look evil, and it may twitch its tail.   Most of all, if it ever starts growling with it's ears back, tail whipping from side to side,  and proceeds to hiss, get out of claw range quickly because this is one really ticked off cat and blood is about to be shed. I was raised to respect the animal and if ever I got scratched or bit, the first question was: What did you do to the cat/dog?  They need their space and they may be "owned" by us but they need to be left alone when they want to be.  My younger son would tell me that he liked the kitten, but didn't like her "prickles" and he became intimidated by her. He didn't bother with her other than to toss her things to play with.

Elmer wouldn't bother with my son until both got older.  She sometimes slept on his bed, which he didn't like because if he stretched out his legs, she would attack his feet under the covers.  He tried all sorts of things to make her leave the room, but she wouldn't budge. He eventually found one thing that worked.  He would get up, ask the cat if she wanted to be fed and no matter what time of the night it was, he would trudge downstairs and give her food. This was a mistake.  Elmer soon figured out all she had to do was bat at the boy's feet a little and he would get up and feed her. She soon ruled the night.  When I found out Elmer had enslaved my son, I gave him some hints on how to make her leave. My favorite was to just put a blanket over her. She hates that and will bolt from the room. Years later,  if she is in his room, he just cranks up the electric guitar and amp, his door will open and she flies out.

A cat can provide hours of entertainment, especially when they are young. .Elmer did all the sorts of things kittens do.  She played with imaginary things, hissed at the "other" cat in the mirror, climbed my 8' weeping fig tree like a leopard...until the day she was out on a limb and it hadn't been watered for awhile so the root ball was quite light.  It was like watching something in slow motion.  Ever so slowly, the tree tipped over with a wide eyed cat clinging helplessly to it and the rest of the family caterwauling about the situation.  She would get on my shoulder to watch me brush my teeth and gently try to play with the toothbrush. The most entertaining thing is to get an empty, round clothes basket and throw a wadded up piece of paper in it. It is hours of fun for the cat and the family. It takes them a while to realize all they have to do is jump into the basket to get the paper and try to get it through the holes of the basket.  They put their front leg in and start running to catch it.  All this does is make  the basket spin around and around with them running to catch the paper. When this doesn't work, they try all sorts of other methods. Many of which require somersaults, laying on their backs,  and just looking so darn cute.

Even at a young age, Elmer was a killer. I read one time that cats are good hunters if their mother feeds them wild meat and shows them how to hunt.  Her mother must have been an excellent hunter as well.  She caught mice, voles, moles, and shrews. She didn't eat the moles and shrews, she acted like they didn't taste good. As she got bigger, she would come home with young rabbits and an occasional adult even though they were her size or bigger. More than once, she chased a mouse through the house and got it. And more than once she brought one of her little playmates into the house to play with. I then issued an ultimatum that no one was to let her in unless her mouth was checked first. None of Elmer's playmates, living or dead, were allowed in the house.

As long as she caught rodents, I was happy. I was intensely unhappy when she caught birds.  Elmer knew of my displeasure because she would hide the fact she had a bird.  She was always very proud of the rodents and always brought them home to show us before she ate them. If I saw her with a bird, I would take it from her and if it was still alive, let it go.  Oh, the murder in that animal's eyes!  One time I did this and the look I got was downright evil. About half an hour later I came out of the house to find a headless bird, still warm, on the back porch.  My older son thought it was Elmer's way of flipping me the bird.  Whether or not it was, I got the message.  There, let's see you let  that one go.  Another time, she was behind the greenhouse and came around the corner with feathers stuck to her face. Bird? What bird?  I wasn't eating bird.  Nope, no bird here.  One day, before she was fully grown, I saw her stalking a wild turkey.  These are huge birds and that didn't seem to matter to Elmer.  It was a bird and she was going to get it. I scared it off because I could just see Elmer leaping on it and the turkey flying away with her clinging to it's back. Though, if she had been successful in bringing it down, well, we just couldn't have let it go to waste. We would have had to eat it. 

We got Beagle Baily when Elmer was 4 years old.  Bailey was 6 weeks old and like all puppies that age, she was tiny.  The pup came from the SPCA and we got her in the winter.  Winter is a bad time for Elmer.  She is intensely bored. When the snow is feet deep and you are a little cat, you don't go outdoors much.  She would take a twelve hour nap, wake up, pace the house meowing and trying to play with anything she could bat, give up and start wandering and meowing again.  I would rather deal with a bored kid than a bored cat.  At least with a bored kid, you can threaten to find something for them to do like cleaning the bathroom.  They scurry off to find something to do.  Elmer?  Not so much.  She never paid any attention to my suggestions. So, it was a stroke of genius to get a puppy for her to torment when she was bored.

How does a cat torment a puppy?  Elmer's favorite was to be at the end of a hallway with the pup at the other end. She would lean around the corner, stick out her tongue, make a foolish face, duck back and wait for the unsuspecting beagle to tear down the hallway and around the corner.  Elmer was ready and would rake the pup with her claws. Bailey, far from being tormented, thought it great fun and would pounce on the cat. They would roll around a minute or so and the cat would run off with the beagle right behind.  Sometimes, Elmer wouldn't bother setting the puppy up for the kill and would just scratch Bailey for the heck of it.  I would take the puppy to the vet and he would comment that it was obvious we had a cat from all the scratches on Bailey's nose.  I warned Elmer. Some day that puppy is going to be bigger than you. When it happened, Elmer was lucky that Bailey didn't hold grudges and they get along very well. Except occasionally when Bailey has to show Elmer who is boss.  You know, that dog /cat thing.  She never hurts Elmer, but roughs her up enough to let her know she's boss of the house.  What does Elmer do?  After coming out from under the couch, she walks up to Bailey and rubs against her as if to say: yup, you're the boss, I'm just the cat.  Then they curl up on the couch together.

                                          Awww! Aint they cute!

Happy Thanksgiving!

People have Thanksgiving traditions which more often than not involve their pets.  In our case, I was invited to my mother's for the traditional meal of luscious turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, cranberry sauce (the real kind  that retains its shape after being removed from the can), stuffing and all the accouterments which make this a family holiday so special. Did I mention the clam dip?  Oh, we are talking heaven here. I made sure that my family understood, no clam dip, no appearance by me.  My mother surprised me by asking me to bring our beagle, Bailey.  They dog sat her for a weekend and seem to like her.  I weighed the pros and cons. If we took her, we wouldn't have to beagle-ize the house...make sure anything she could reach and was vaguely edible was behind locked doors, at least 6' from the floor, and couldn't be shaken to the floor.  We learned early on that the beast was clever enough to keep shaking the table until whatever was on it even though it was  pushed back against the wall, would fall over and with persistent shaking, it could be made to roll off the table.  We lost several jars of peanut butter  because the cur figured that out and we didn't.  She thought no one was home, she did this, and then she was caught in the act.  Oh, and she knows how to open a jar after the first time it has been open from the factory.  She then licks down as far as her tongue will reach, hides the jar in the couch, under a bed, or behind something for later snacking.  Back to the debate of whether or not I should take her to my mother's.

Another consideration is having to take the animal unawares.  Bailey reacts the same way to going in the car as she does getting a bath.  The slightest inkling we might be going somewhere and she takes off for under a bed.  She could probably live under there for days because if we do not check regularly enough, she has quite a stash under there of peanut butter, jelly, and sometimes bread.  My son and I speak in whispers about how to achieve getting her leashed and out to the car.  But, Bailey is a clever dog.  Things that tip her off:  entire family grooms themselves with care, she may hear the car keys, she sees us beagle-ize the house, put the garbage on the back porch, and gather things together that we are taking.  There is also having to keep an eye on Bailey while we are visiting because if no one is looking, she has no problem snatching something off a table and making a run for it. She also will try the nonchalant approach of quietly and delicately taking something off a plate on the table and slowly walking from the room with her prize.  There would be lots of food on tables.  It gets annoying when you have to constantly watch her and you can't really enjoy yourself. Also, their parakeet, Max, would have to be locked away in a safe room.  The first time Bailey was introduced to him she licked her chops.  This did not bode well for any type of  lasting relationship.  Worst of all, between the mooching and laying exhausted on the couch, she would need to be taken outdoors. This means having to stop whatever I was doing and take the beast out.

What eventually happened was that I got all sentimental and agreed to take her. I used to take my first beagle, Porky, to my mother's for every holiday.  He rarely smelled bad (he didn't like baths, but he was small enough that he wasn't able to put up much of a protest).  He really enjoyed being there even apart from the food and the family enjoyed him.  Bailey?  Being there is great, but, she  hates riding in a car.  See the part above where she hides under the bed. I thought my son and I were very careful and didn't do anything to let her know we were preparing to go.  She disappeared under the bed so something tipped her off.  Unfortunately, the door to the bedroom can only be locked from the inside and it never stays latched or we could just keep her out of there.  Not to worry, we still had time before we left.  Time enough to let her forget and come out on her own.  We went about doing what we usually do.  No dog came out of the bedroom. I rustled bread wrappers, opened the fridge door, random cupboards, and loudly dropped food on the floor. Still no dog.  We used to knock on the front door and pretend someone was there. It worked for about 3 times. Now, she just lays under the bed and barks from there. It was getting to the time when we just had to leave.  The decision was made by my son when he looked at me and said, "I'm going in".  Luckily, the dog was only just under the bed and not all the way under in the far corner against the wall. I heard scuffling, elbows banging on the floor, heads banging on the bed, a muffled, "Help me" and as I ran to the rescue both emerged from under the bed blinking and sneezing. My son was triumphant, the dog, not so much.  The leash was applied and she reluctantly went outside.  After doing her "business", which showed she had been eating something she probably shouldn't have.  It looked like paper.  She was led to her doom, the door opened and ordered to get into the car. Bailey knows resistance is futile and she jumped in. The car is a mini-van and she rushed to the other side of the car, laid down and put her head under the seat.

Drives are quite uneventful with Bailey.  We forget she is in the car. She cowers with her head under the seat and will come out to look out a window when we slow down or stop for a light. We've taken her lots of places that she loves going.  To get ice cream, go for runs in fields, to see my other son, the Grandma's house, but she just hates the car. Our border collie Fergus was like that too until we had a really bad storm coming and I had to go to town.  He looked at the storm, listened to the thunder, and decided it was safer in the car with me and he would not take no for answer. He came with me. From that time on, he liked the car and would sit in the front or back seat with the window slightly rolled down so he could sniff the air coming in, pant, and get saliva all over.  I mean ALL over.  Back to Bailey.  We got to my mother's and she knew where we were immediately and was jubilant beagle which got really happy when we went inside and she smelled the cooking and snacks on the table. She got a few crackers and was banished from the kitchen when no one was out there to watch her. She spent the rest of her time following around anyone that had food and giving the beagle mind control look at them trying to bully them into giving her some.  Everyone had been warned that the few crackers she got were enough and they were not to give her any more. She finally gave up and went to sleep on the couch.

Dinner time came and as is tradition, the animals in the house get a little of the dinner.  This was all right by Bailey.  She got a little turkey, lots of vegetables (she loves vegetables...especially swiss chard and asparagus), stuffing and a little gravy.  Not much more than she would have gotten if she had been giving her dinner in dog food. No bones because poultry bones are especially bad for dogs. They splinter and a dog can choke on them.  No pie because it was chocolate...very bad for dogs and no apple pie because it's too good to feed to dogs. Fergus loved apple pie. My ex mother in law made a pie for us.  My ex husband was home for lunch and was sitting by the pie.  He left and I was in another room taking care of a baby.  I came back and thought it would be nice to have a  piece of pie. I went to cut myself a piece and noticed that my husband had picked all the filling out of the pie and had only left the bottom crust in all but a few slices.  I was, to say the least, quite irate. I'm not saying this was the reason for our divorce, but it contributed. I ate the bottom crust because I like crust and had a few unkind words to say to him when he got home. He acted surprised at the accusation and vehemently denied doing such a thing.  Fergus came into the room looking hopeful for more....pie. It was an awkward moment when I realized the dog had been at the pie.  I tried not to think about the dog busily lapping up the pie and leaving the crust that I had eaten. I apologized to my ex and had words with the dog instead. To my knowledge, Fergus never took another thing off the table until he got to be about 12. I think he was getting a little senile or the beagle was a bad influence.  He got up onto the table and ate off one of the kids plates after we had finished dinner and the kids had left the table but my ex and I were still sitting there. Anyway, Bailey did not have any dessert or clam dip.  Shellfish are not usually part of a dog's diet and I didn't want her to go into analpholatic shock if she was allergic to clams.

When it was time to leave, she realized we were going in the car again.  She put her head under a chair and tried to look invisible.  It didn't work and she was hauled out to the car.  Bailey was really happy to get home and it was then that I made a horrifying discovery. She may have taken this out of grocery bags when they were sitting waiting to be put away after a shopping expedition. She had gotten and eaten an entire pound of butter, complete with the wrappers.  That's what was in her stool! It was the wrappers. The aftermath is sometimes the only way we know when she's been stealing.

Bathing a Beagle, Part 2

Bathing a Beagle, Part 2

See part 1 for the instructions leading up to this point.

OK, the beagle is in the same room as the tub, the people doing the bathing, the shampoo, and the door is locked and it can’t get away.  If the reader remembers from  part one, our beagle is a big beagle, the largest type of the breed.  Most people are surprised they come that big, but they do.  She stands 24” and should weigh around 50-55 lbs.  She hasn’t weighed this for years and is at least 10 lbs heavier.  The next task is to get the animal into the tub…exactly where it does not want to go.  There are several methods of tub preparation such as running the water before the dog gets into it, running the water after the dog gets in, both with the intention of using a pot or other such utensil to ladle water onto the dog.  If the reader is lucky enough to have one of those shower heads which can be lifted from a cradle and be used like a sink sprayer, this is the best.  It wets the dog most effectively as well as is the best at getting the shampoo out of the coat.  Not only is this method the most effective, in my opinion, but the animal does not have to suffer through listening to the water being drawn.  Though, it is always tempting to make the dog suffer if it gave a difficult time getting to this point.  Of course you may think that drawing the bath before trying to catch the beagle is a better choice, but this doesn’t work if everyone in the house takes showers.  It will know the jig is up and it is the one getting the bath. The beagle will bolt and take up residence under a bed and will only come out at night to scavenge.  Never ever do anything that will indicate to the beagle is about to get a bath because that just makes the task very much more like a circus. Make sure the temperature of the water is comfortable to your hand. Not too hot, not too cold, but just right. The dog doesn't need to be scalded or chilled...neither is good for it.  This is a good time to remind assistants that someone needs to have a hand on the collar immediately the moment the animal is in the tub.  Also, recap the rules for who is allowed to say what when the dog escapes the tub if it should escape.   Our rule is you have to be over 18 to swear and then only certain words are allowed.  One word, said with true feeling is often more satisfying than a string of foul language that goes on for minutes. One needs all the breath they can muster for recapturing the beagle.

The time has come to hoist the beast into the bath.   If it’s a smaller beagle, scoop it up lovingly in your arms and plop it in.  If it is a big dog like mine, fight with the rest of the family for a bit about who has a bad back and the loser, the one with the best back, has to do it.  It’s a much easier task if the beagle is standing.  Put one arm around it at the chest and the other around it at the hind end.  Take a deep breath, pray silently that nothing important in your body pops loose and heave it up and over the side into the tub.  But, being a beagle, it will be laying down to make the job more difficult.  It will refuse to stand and will make the owner try to snap lift it from the floor.  We have found the best way to deal with this is to get a hold of the animal under the chest and lift it.  The rest of the beagle will dangle and will be more difficult to get over the edge because it needs to be lifted high enough to get the hind feet over.  Try not to let the feet touch the edge of the tub. The dog will take this opportunity to use it as leverage and struggle some. There will be at least one frantic moment when it wriggles so much you are afraid of dropping it and to avoid this, it helps if the person doing the hoisting is tall enough to clear the beagle over the edge in one fluid motion. No matter which way you get the animal into the tub, be sure someone is ready to grab the collar because the dog knows what is coming and will not usually graciously stay put.  If someone didn’t get hold of the collar quick enough, catch the beagle and try again.  

Now the fun begins.  Mostly, the older dog resigns itself to its fate. It will stand with a  look of utter disgust on its face and tolerate what is to come. Don't expect it to cooperate, but just standing there is a big help. Younger dogs and puppies will actively fight or give you such a look of utter despair you lose heart and want to stop.  Resist!! This is just blatant mind manipulation by the beagle.  Harden your heart and proceed. 

Next, get the animal wet in any way you have planned, pouring water on it from a pot or pan or using the detachable shower head. Remember to test the temperature of the water before it touches the dog. Comfortable to you will be comfortable to the dog, though don't have it as hot as you would like. Thoroughly wet the animal. Always use a shampoo made for dogs.  First, it is like shampoo made for children in that it is not supposed to hurt their eyes if shampoo gets in them. Second, it can contain antibacterial components to keep the coat fresher longer, flea control, soothing elements to help relieve itching, and conditioners to give the dog a shiny coat.  I usually try not to wash the beagle’s head.  If you choose to, put cotton balls deep in its ears to prevent water getting in and causing a problem. Remember to remove the cotton balls when the bath is done.  Leaving the cotton balls in prevents the beagle from hearing humans chewing food and it will miss a mooching opportunity. This is devastating to the beagle and is best avoided.  Even if you don't give human food to your dog, they still like the opportunity to clean up the crumbs.   Start at the top of the dog.  Put shampoo in your hand and lather the dog’s neck and back and then work down the sides, the chest, the stomach, outside and inside of the legs, and the tail.  Rinse the animal from top down.  If you are using a detachable shower head, be careful.  Sometimes it seems the thing has a mind of its own and more than the dog gets wet.  I have managed to get myself and anyone else in the vicinity soaked to the squawking of the others and the pleasure of the beagle.  No matter how well trained you think the dog is, do not depend on telling it to stay without a hand on the collar.  No self respecting beagle will submit willingly to a bath and will have to attempt escape at least once.  Remember, you are the human and the owner, the beagle is a conniving, cute, sentient being in terrible need of a bath and persevere. 

When the ordeal is done and the shampoo is completely rinsed out of the coat and the dog is squeaky clean, drying the beast is next. This is where a hound with loose skin comes in handy.  Gently take handfuls of dog in your hand and very carefully and gently squeeze some of the water out. This can be done without hurting the dog.  They will let you know if you are too rough.   The goal is not to wring the dog dry, but to get some of the water out.  Have everyone take their places for the drying process.  The towel bearer must be ready to throw the towel on the dog as it starts to shake. Release the hold on the dog and get out of the way. It can figure out how to get out and it would really mess up a back to try and lift that weight out of the tub.  We like to give the beagle a treat for withstanding this horrible indignity.  She not only expects but demands it.  Briskly rub the beagle with the towel, perhaps using a couple of towels.  The more water you get off the beast before setting it free means the less water all over the house.  Unlock the door and set it free. 

Now you have a jubilant, sparkling clean, delightfully fragrant beagle.  You still have to clean the tub, mop up the water, find dry clothes, all while the dog is running like a crazy thing around the house rolling on the carpet, and trying like the dickens to pick up the old stink again, but the deed is done.  This is the time to sit down, pop a cold one, pour a glass and raise it to a job well done.  

 

Hopefully it is a dry dog by the time it needs to go outside because the first place it will head is to dirt to roll in it or worse…something dead.  If that is nasty enough, you'll be giving it another bath real soon. But at least now, you know how. 

Bathing a Beagle, Part 1

Bathing a Beagle

Battle Plans

Anyone that has owned a beagle or a hound, in general, knows they tend to go rancid after a bit and they can get pretty darn smelly.  They like to improve on this rancidness by finding and rolling in the most disgusting thing they can find.  Then they eat it and if it was really bad, throw it up in the house where you can step in it…usually in your bare feet.  Because Bailey is essentially a house dog, when the house starts smelling like dog feet  or rank hound, it’s time to get a bath.  Fergus, the border collie, would take care of his coat.  In the warmer months, he would roll in the dust, shake off and then roll in grass.  His coat was always shiny and was rarely objectionable.  He only got a bath in the spring.

The week of the event, plan with other family members which day it will happen.  Keep the tone casual and do not use the offending b-word (bath), because you don’t want the beagle to know what is coming.  Then it will be on its guard, waiting for it.  This will complicate things because it will start living under a bed and act suspicious of everyone and be much harder to catch.  This is not usually a problem with the smaller types of beagle.  Just scoop them up and haul their tail to the tub. A big beagle, such as Bailey, is a struggle of epic proportions.  Form a game plan of who does what.  Who will lure her into the bathroom, what kind of treat will be the bait, etc.  Plan for the eventuality that the beagle figures out it’s a trap and who will grab it’s collar, who will push, who will pull, who will slam the door shut, who will wrestle it into the bath tub, who will do the restraining during the bath, what words are acceptable to say and by whom when the beast escapes the tub, who will hold the towel for it when it gets out and prepares to shake.  This is a carefully choreographed montage between man and beast.  If someone fails to do their part, the beagle gets away in a flurry of paws, possibly soap and water flinging everywhere, and it crawls underneath the bed for a week or so and will only come out at night to scavenge.  

Two days before the event, put the dog shampoo on the edge of the tub.  This will make the beagle nervous and twitchy, but leave it there until the beagle becomes accustomed to seeing it in that position.  It usually takes about 2 days for it to calm down.  The next thing is very important.  The day of the event, try to act normal.  Don’t let the beagle sense your apprehension because instead of lying in a near coma like state on the couch, it will figure out it is bath day and will crawl so far under a bed you can barely reach it with a broom.  Poking it with the broom rarely produces anything other than a sneeze from yourself and the dog when the dust is stirred up.  The skirmish in the bathroom will be postponed until the household goes back to pre-bath mode and the beagle is lured into a false sense of security.  This stand down will be an edgy time for the family. Everyone will be eying each other with suspicion, accusations will be made, the tension will be unbearable, and this scenario really ought to be avoided.  So, remember, act natural.  Do not vary the daily routine.  You must take the beagle unawares.  

When the moment of truth arrives, silently nod to the others to assume their positions and gently wake the beagle with the rustling of a bread wrapper.  Hopefully, it suspects nothing, and will come to investigate.  Do not ask the beagle if it wants a treat, it will become immediately suspicious because it never gets a treat unless it does something to deserve it.  It will know immediately it is a trap and instead of investigating will high tail it  under the bed and all will be lost. Perhaps casually make a sandwich and nonchalantly wander into the bathroom, hoping it just follows.  If it is a young beagle and this has not happened more than a few times, the likelihood this ruse will work is great.  If it is a veteran beagle who has had 3 baths a year for more than a couple of years, it is at this point it may bolt.  The best you can hope for is that it stands at the threshold looking in, measuring up the situation.  Should it go in and beg for a piece of food or should it run in a panic?  This is a crucial moment.  This hesitancy doesn’t last long and everyone needs to be prepared to take advantage of it.  Remember, your team is a well oiled machine that will spring the trap in a blink of the eye and everyone should take this as the cue to plunge into action.  The older they get, the less inclined they are to fall for a trap and are  not inclined to just come in and beg.  It is at this point the skirmish may become an epic battle.  Someone’s hand needs to be on the collar or the day is lost.  The pulling and pushing may begin in earnest and hopefully the dog did it’s contemplating very close to the threshold so the distance to the tub is not too great. If the dog stays on its feet, it is much easier to push/pull/drag the victim to its destination. Bailey has learned if she lies down it delays the inevitable by a minute or so because it’s like trying to move a sack of potatoes. She has the advantage of owners that do not want to hurt her and she uses it. This is when the sandwich should be deployed.  Put it within lunging distance of the animal. If that doesn't work,  comment on how tasty the sandwich is. Take a bite of it and thoroughly enjoy it, roll your eyes in ecstasy,  sing praises of the sandwich to the gods.  Let the beast smell it, then quickly position it within lunging distance but closer/further into the bathroom.  9 times out of 10 the beagle just goes for it and while it is gobbling down the sandwich, push it into the bathroom, slam and lock the door.  

Have a plan in place if the beagle just bolts.  It usually is a free for all and looks like a skit from the Three Stooges, but have an idea of who will do what in the event this happens.   Have someone standing by with video equipment.  It will be great viewing on You-Tube and may even go viral.

I write serious articles on plants and gardening and sometimes just get bored with it all.  I need some comic relief even in my writing.  There isn’t anything more frustrating or comic than living with a beagle.  Don’t get me wrong.  We love our beagle.  Her name is Bailey and she is the largest type of her breed.  She stands 24” and she should weigh around 50-55 lbs.   I have had people tell me she is a harrier beagle.  Her vet just said: she’s a big beagle, they are common around here.  Most people look at her and say, “Beagle and what else?” and are surprised to learn she is all beagle because she is so big.  Even if she wasn’t tri colored, white footed, with the white tip on her tail, and looked just like a beagle, her personality, bark, attitude, and being a stomach and nose on feet is definitely beagle. She’s pure hound, pure beagle, and sometimes, a pure pain.

Bailey is my second beagle.  My first one, Porky, was practically a human and really knew how to turn the charm on to get what he wanted.  He had the Italian landlady wrapped around his little toe.  She always sent a pot of  homemade spaghetti sauce upstairs for Porky....and oh, I could have some too.  Bailey prefers either the sneaky route or the direct snatch and run.  That’s why she rarely weighs 50 lbs and at her heaviest, was around 70 lbs.  She was adipose beagle,  the very definition of rolly poly.   We got her weight down and everyone is happier …except Bailey.  She thought we were starving her.  What is difficult about Bailey?  Well, she’s a counter cruiser, food stealer, and damn clever thief when it comes to food.  She also is completely  not conflicted  about taking a dump on the floor when we are away.  It’s almost like: well you were gone, I had to go.  She is single minded when barking at people on the street, dogs, and when on the track of a squirrel or rabbit to the point of insanity.  We live on a busy street and the barking opportunities are many.  Probably the most irritating trait is the food stealing….and hiding.  My kids have found sticks of Crisco, loaves of bread, jars of peanut butter, which the dog opened and licked down as far as her tongue would reach, jelly jars opened and licked down as far as she could reach, yogurt containers in their beds.   Before we can leave the house, we must beagle-ize.  Get everything either in high cupboards, behind locked doors, inside the oven or microwave, set way back from the edge of the counter and table, and the garbage put outside.  Forget one thing, and you come home to a mess.  The worse mess was the 5 lbs of flour.  She ate approximately 2 lbs, had at least half a pound glued around her muzzle, and the other 2 and half pounds spread around the house in piles, sprinkles, and gluey patches where she licked it on the floor.  Then there was the diarrhea she got from eating all that flour.  You ask, so what do you expect out of a puppy?  She’s not a puppy, she’s 7 years old and getting white about the face.  Bailey did this when she was 6.   And lest you think we don’t know how to properly train dogs and it’s our fault she is the way she is,  we’ve always had very well mannered dogs that learned quickly and liked to please us.  Bailey?  Well, Bailey sometimes likes to please us, sometimes she doesn’t.  But like I said, we love her and there are beagle traits to love. She is particularly sweet when she is sleeping.

We got Bailey from a local SPCA.  She was just 6 weeks old when we went to look at her and her siblings.  At the time we had a border collie named Fergus.  He was 9 years old and the people at the SPCA said we had to bring him.  It didn’t matter what puppy we wanted, he had to pick it out because he had to get along with it.  Fergus, like a lot of borders, was very shy.  He was equally afraid of both of the ones we picked out.  They played and pulled at him and he looked like he would rather die than put up with any more of this.  He looked down at one pup, wagged his tail and that’s the one we brought home.  The rest is history.